It continually amazes me to think of the things life throws my way, and like a trooper one must soldier on.  Trying times, dark times, lonely times, those are the times that try the heart, mind, and soul.  Bloodied and battered from battle, it feels as if it will never end and enemy advance will deal the final blow.  However, once that time has passed, the battleground is cleared, and hopefully left standing to fight again, I am stronger.  I don’t know what it is, but seeing others around me, and experiencing what I have in my life, I see that this can be the case.  Things are thrown my way, taking control and fighting to see another day is all I really can do.  If other people have done it, why can’t I.  The pain, struggles, heartache in life are tumultuous and defy explanation for a concrete reason why, but the good and happy in life is made better, stronger, and brighter because of that.  It sounds like trite and as if Pollyanna is speaking when I say all this, but it is a way to look past the dark times, and see what lies ahead.  The past is history, we have the present to live, and and a future to shape and make our own.

Are there sad, dark times you are grateful for?  Something that was painful but brought you to a greater happiness?

K

As a self-professed and unabashed “Book Geek”  I admit that I find myself usually most comfortable and passionate when speaking about books, otherwise I find I am severely lacking self-confidence or self-assurance, and grapple with being a severe introvert.  Dealing with most social situations always revs up my anxiety level to unprecedented levels.  Worry overtakes me, and I find any relaxation, or enjoyment, hard to muster.  It isn’t so much that I dislike being in a social situation, it is more that my concerns and insecurities far outweigh any ease I try to feign.  I do a little better one on one, but when  surrounded by a larger group, it isn’t pretty.  It is an unease of how to fit in, where to place myself, what to contribute that hinders my bravery.  Oh, certainly the adage of “be yourself” comes to mind, but it is hard advice when you fear people won’t like the “yourself” you are.  There are people I see so at ease when sharing with a group, leading a group, etc. and I envy that.  

In my bookclub I recently had to take the reigns in our discussion and felt pretty useless, even though it was about a book.  I am far better at sharing my thoughts about the current book when I don’t have to worry about leading, otherwise I am a bundle of nerves.  Even when I am just sharing I am questioning myself; am I talking too much, making an absurd point, being rude!  Recently, when I went to hang out at a good friend and fellow blogger KitchenKM’s game night, relaxing wasn’t so easy, especially early on.  I felt awkward and kind of clammed up.  Then as we played the game, I think I got kind of snippy when I had to be silly in the game that was meant to be fun and easy going.  I feel like a pretty uncoordinated and unimpressive figure to begin with, and acting silly or uninhibited just makes that even worse for me, even when it should be fun or lighthearted.  Overall I had fun, but I know I wasn’t at my best or socially graceful.  It is a constant battle between wanting to be accepted and be more social, and a fear of failing and just not measuring up or fitting in.  These thoughts are hard to ignore, it is just a given that I will be nervous, clumsy, and awkward.  Confidence never has been, and most likely never will be my strong suit, I just can’t seem to find my size. 

K