Category Archives: Love/Dating
Hating Valentine’s Day
Every year February comes along, and I quietly, okay, sometimes not so quietly dreaded a certain day in the month. It is a hard day for any single person, especially a single woman in her 30s. Honestly, I never really had much to celebrate on that day, and it always fills me with a bit of dread and sorrow. I know there is the love of family and friends to be celebrated on that day, and yes, that is lovely, but never really the same. I could do the whole single gals gathering and commiserate with other single women, but somehow I don’t want to be one of those women. It is funny, but I don’t think single men have those kind of gatherings on Valentine’s Day. Alas, I will let the day come and go this year, as it has many years before, and go on about my business as usual, leaving the hearts and flowers to others 😀
This Time It’s Personal
I am tired of hearing “don’t take it personally!” It’s a load of crap! When you say and do things to others, it does affect someone. In this digital age of texts, IMs, faceless posts on social-networking sites, etc. we seem to have forgotten that fact. It amazes me that the phrases “don’t take it personally,” “it’s nothing personal,” or “it’s not you, it’s me,” are somehow all encompassing magic words that beg and expect forgiveness for behavior. Somehow those words make it okay, and the offended should shut up and move on, because it’s been made okay, it’s nothing personal after all. Yes, I am a sensitive person, so sue me, but I take it to heart when someone is negative or hurtful towards me. I regret it when I have hurt someone, I agonize over it. It appears I am the exception and not the rule. I think it needs to be remembered that the pen is mightier than the sword; it seems that the thumb, fingers, and tongue are also mightier than any sword as well. Kids and bullying is getting national attention, the underlying message is that the way someone is treated can have a profound influence on them. We strive to right these grandiose injustices of this world, the inequalities, and yet don’t seem to think about basic human decency or tact in our interactions at the core of morality and just treating people decently. Treat others how you want to be treated, easy enough, golden rule and all, but seems it is lacking these days.
Reflection is a daunting and scary thing. Reflecting on dating history can be a trauma inducing exercise. Looking back on my past, past choices, past mistakes, past everything has made me rethink what I once truly hoped and believed to be possible, or more so hoped to be possible – Soul Mates. Yes, a word that conjures up happy endings and life long joy with that one special person. Well, it’s around, I see people I suppose I would classify as soul mates. People who seem to naturally fit with each other and seem to have found their better half. Although, I know outside observers are not always privy to what happens behind closed doors, but nonetheless I see those happy couples. What is often overlooked, are those who seem to continue to never find that. Are we making a mistake but not looking hard enough, looking too hard, which way is just right? Should you take every chance at a date, a new match? Should you just focus on anything else and it’ll just happen?? Well, what if, just what if, some of us are not made to have lasting love, a lasting partnership? What if some of us must journey life on our own without someone making our heart skip a beat, making our pulse race, making us feel like anything is possible? I pose these questions because when you are looking, every failed attempt, and every time you weren’t chosen just gets harder with each time it happens again. It is less of a badge of courage, and more a feeling of what the hell is wrong with me? If you stop looking, well, deep inside you’ve done it for a reason, so as you go along living your life, you’re still alone and it still has to hit hard every once in a while. I suggest there are some, and these souls I propose are the Solo Souls. Floating along at their own pace, living their life, never coming to find that someone special, no matter how many times they try to say to themselves there is someone out there. Solo Souls aren’t bad, it’s not negative, it’s just some of us aren’t the right match for anyone, and no one is the right match for us. I say here and now, I may very likely be a Solo Soul!
The End of the Road . . .
Recently, actually just officially yesterday I got out of a relationship of a few months. Okay, only about two and half months. It wasn’t a mutual decision, it wasn’t something I was ready for. I had had the intuition a few weeks back it was going south, but chalked that up to insecurity and inexperience. Loss, in whatever manner it hits can send a person reeling, and looking for somewhere, anywhere to find purchase. I liken it to the fears I imagine being in a car accident would bring. Out of nowhere, hit with how to deal and manage this! How to survive this! A relationship ending, be it romantic or a friendship, means that anticipated companionship is gone, removed from existence. And when that end comes out of nowhere, and when it’s not a mutual decision, it smarts! The questions of why, what could have been different, where did it go so bad, start racing through the mind, especially if it was a romantic relationship. The end means the hopes or desires for any future are dead, gone, and buried. Yes, there is still the chance, given some time, that renewed hopes and desires will be found, but when hit with the immediate removal of those things, it isn’t easy to see. Getting invested in someone is bound to happen, and there is so much good and joy that comes with that, with a flip side of bad and pain that can result too. I am not someone who can trust easily, and that is the part that seems so difficult to accept, having allowed someone in and having that trust betrayed. Having someone you’ve let in throw that trust and openness back in your face like it was worthless that you gave them anything of yourself. The plain and simple fact that when the time, hopes, desires, etc. invested go nowhere, are ripped away, it isn’t going to produce joy or peace No, it’s loss plain and simple. Yes, starting over again is the rational and reasonable thing to do, but there is still pain, humiliation, despair, anger, confusion, and hopelessness in the immediate future. It appears the term heartache is appropriate, if not literal, it is more than adequately descriptive.
Signs, Signs, How to Read ‘Em
Reading signs is so important. They get you where you need to know on the road, and in life. When it comes to subtle sings of my fellow human, especially human males, I am at a loss. The difference between friendliness and true interest is beyond me, even after all my years. I like to think I observe, and I am aware there are people at ease with strangers, who just have a way of being open, friendly, and inviting. Then there are the people with the clear message to STAY AWAY! However, it is the want to get to know you more sign that is most boggling to me. I tend to not want to jump to that explanation, so I just let it pass me by. Clearly, there is an important reason to differentiate, but it is an ability that appears eludes me. It deserves some study and thought as a plan to address this deficiency in my arsenal of superpowers, this should be interesting ;0)
He’s Just Not That Into You – Greg Behrendt, Liz Tuccillo
With those six words I knew I was in for a different kind of advice book experience. This book directed at women stresses something that really is common sense, when a guy isn’t interested in you, you aren’t going to be able to magically change that and turn his feelings on. Amazing this book actually tells us something women shouldn’t be surprised to hear. The guy not calling, not having time for you; the guy who is leaving her as soon as he can but loves you and needs you, probably isn’t that into you. We all make mistakes, with dating and just otherwise navigating this thing called existence. Going after the wrong person, is I guess one of those things that can happen to smart people. This book poses questions from women, often so ridiculous and sad, yet not that unheard of and then presents the arguments women sometimes don’t want to hear or acknowledge. Behrendt is sure to address that, although not desired by this one guys we are just infatuated with, there will be someone worthy and someone who wants us just as much as we want them. Little homework exercises are presented at the end of the chapters, as well as a counterpoint to the argument Behrendt makes, but in the end it comes back to the sense it actually all makes that he’s not into you, once you really take some time to think about it. This isn’t a typical advice or self-help book, because it does have a decidedly comedic and snarky feel, that when a women is feeling down and out from dating torment, can actually provide a bit of fresh air and a laugh when needed most. Absurd as it is, the common sense approach really is uncommon sometimes.
Romance Novel Addiction
I wasn’t really a reader of the traditional “romance” novel until about two years ago. I picked up a novel that sounded cute, discovered it was romance, and was kinda hooked on the genre. I know that it does set up false expectation of how love and romance function in the real world. In real life it is a mix of timing, chemistry, and yes, hard work that make relationships and love last. The meet-cute is not likely to happen in real life. No adoring looks across a crowded room. No bonding over some silly situation. No instant heat and chemistry. No perfect Prince Charming to sweep a damsel off her feet. But hell if it isn’t a damn hoot to read. For the time while I am reading that story I get to have a little fun, keep a little of the faith, and just let go for a bit into a world of romantic possibilities. Sometimes it’s nice to step away from the world at hand and just have something a little happy and a little romantic to lose myself in, when the real world isn’t so romantic. I mix it up with more serious reading, but I find a good romantic story line hard to put down. I oooh and ahhh, laugh, and find myself taking what I like to call the “Reading Vacation,” and I am not ashamed in needing to take one every once in a while.
You’ve Lost that Lovin’ Feelin’
Seems despite some nudges and suggestions I just can’t get myself back into the game, i.e., the dating game. When something feels like a losing proposition I am not that keen on keeping at it. I am stubborn to a fault, absolutely, but feeling like a fool I won’t suffer gladly. The more negative evidence I see and experience, the more I just say to my self, take a step away and abort the mission, because trying has been as much of a failing proposition as not trying. It doesn’t mean it has to be a lonely existence, there are things going on in life that do take up my time and thoughts. It is only in the more quiet and sedate moments that it is a bit rough standing alone, and hearing the ups and downs of some of my friends in relationships that gets my wistfulness kicked up a notch.