Without a Trace
One of the hardest lessons I have had to learn this year is that you might wake up one day and realize you meant nothing to someone. You invested your time and your emotions in the relationship, and like that they suddenly have no use for you. It is hard for someone like me to wrap my head around that change in feelings in someone else. Suddenly you mean nothing to them, you basically do not exist at all in their world now. Sometimes it can happen because you’ve done something outright to cause it; other times it seems to just be the weight of things you didn’t even realize had ticked them off apparently, until it was too late. I go though the ups and downs of dealing with this realization every single time it has happened. I feel so adrift when it happens, and at a loss for how to set my world right again. The saddest part in all that is knowing that the other person hasn’t probably thought once about me, given me a moments regret, and yet here I am “grieving” for the relationship lost. Seems this lesson should have been drilled in by now, but I keep somehow forgetting just how much pain it causes, and sometimes how long that pain can last.
Yes, I Do Have Broken Ears, Thank You
I am relatively young to have experienced significant enough hearing loss to require hearing aids and as I have gotten used to my new “bionic” ears, I have been thinking about hearing and how I communicate with the world, and how the world communicates with me. At first I felt funny having to get hearing aids; a 34-year-old should not need hearing aids, but what I wasn’t hearing was mucking up my life. At least now I knew there really was a problem and I had a solution. However, despite how nice it is to hear things louder, and in digital, I still find the occasional failure to communicate. I have noticed that people take for granted that they have spoken clearly, and/or fully have your attention. This is especially difficult if you have hearing loss in the same manner I do, which is due to damage to the nerves in the ear. This means that I might hear the sound, but might not make it out clearly. I hate asking someone to repeat, but sometimes I just cannot understand what has been said. As time has gone on, I am less afraid to say, hey, “I have broken ears, please, speak up and speak clearly!” I know it takes work on my end, of course, I do try my best, but it works both ways, especially if you are speaking with someone who is hard of hearing, which is more common than people realize. Another thing that gets me is people trying to speak to me as they are walking around a corner, or speaking to me from behind . I can’t imagine that is easy even with good hearing, but it is not easy to understand someone if they are walking away, not facing you, or in a different room. I know it is bound to happen, but I wish people would be more aware of doing it, even when they are speaking with someone with good hearing. Now I find myself trying not to do the walking away, talking thing. I also find I try to make sure I have the person’s attention before I speak. I have come to think more about how good communication works in this world and in relationships. I am by no means perfect in my communication, but not having perfect ears has made me more aware of how good communication should work.
PS – Thank you to Opinionated Man at HarsH ReaLiTy for giving his followers this challenge http://aopinionatedman.com/2014/05/25/harsh-reality-challenge-got-an-opinion/#comment-142511. He is a truly inspired blogger, with a passion for the written word 😀
Starting Over, Birthdays, and Blogging
I am a Taurus, and as such I do not like change or the new; I like the comfort of what is known and tested. Recently there have been a lot of things thrown my way to deal with, and I keep getting the advice to keep at it, start over, keep going. I want to, but I feel like a Weeble Toy that just keeps getting knocked down and I am at a point where I am just feeling too exhausted to get back up yet again. I think recently enduring another candle on the birthday cake the week before last just got to me, and the idea of trying again and getting back out there is just not where I want to be yet again. Well, where do I want to be I ask myself, there are certain things that I feel are just great and I wouldn’t change a thing, other things I wish I could just get to go my way. Want it and achieve it, right, well, that has never worked for me, yet. I don’t like to take to my blog to be in a sad or bad mood, but sometimes I just have to express the inner thoughts that keep me awake at night. Forgive me dear reader . . .
How do you feel about starting over? Have you been able to want it and achieve it?
Love Thy Self
One of the hardest things is learning, continuing, and remembering to love yourself. I think women find this particularly hard. It ruins relationships, romantic or otherwise. When you feel you do not measure up, do not fit the bill, are not enough, how is someone going to see good in you, or love you if you don’t see the good in yourself? I took a challenge in February, yes, a bit late blogging about the experience, but here it is. There was a challenge to “Be Your Own Valentine – Love ThighSelf,” prompting women following the page to find something every day during the month of February they like/love about themselves. I was hesitant at first to take it on, because I am not one who likes to inflate my ego, despite the good intentions of the challenge. I noticed I found the first few days easier to come up with something I could say that was positive about myself, and as time when on it was progressively more difficult to come up with the positive affirmation. Looking back at how I took on the challenge, and I am glad in many ways I did, and how I could apply it to making each day a little more positive from then on, not always directing the positive thought at myself or something about me, but just remember the positive things in my life. I have been in need of a reminder of that lately. Remember, liking or loving yourself are probably some of the most difficult things in this life, particularly if you have grown accustom to wanting to blend in and just not be noticed either way in this life, but it is a simple lesson – if you can’t like or love yourself, why should anyone else?
Why do you think we are hardest on ourselves? How do you overcome that?
Back At It
I have been doing some thinking about why I came back to the blog after a lengthy absence. Honestly, I have been trying to deal with things that are happening around me, things that I have no control over. Getting it out through words seems to be a good way to let myself work though what I need to, and my passion to share has been reignited. I have also been reading other blogs and seeing that I am in some pretty good company. Sharing thoughts and words is cathartic for me, and open something that I need to express and it seems I can’t in any other way. I find more passion on the page, more passion in putting into words what is going on in my head, and sometimes in my heart. It isn’t always easy, or pretty, but it remains necessary, and hopefully I will keep at it.
Three Sides . . .
I have come to understand this quote, and how true it is! It seems when things go south, it is especially true. I don’t know why, but it seems we get especially cloudy memories at the worst times, and we are so limited to our own view of things. I have been guilty of only seeing my side, and having someone not see my side and hating me for no real valid reason. Emotions, experiences, expectations all get in the way and I think cause the murky territory. Saying I will not allow it to happen to me is not likely to work. We will always fail to listen to others at some point or other, and fail to have someone listen to us at some point or another. I suppose the best we can hope for is that we are aware and try to not fall into the pit that often. However, sad when it happens, and sadder even when something is lost because of it.
As stubborn as I am, one of the hardest things for me is letting go of hurt. When I feel devalued, mistreated, or generally stomped upon by someone, I can’t seem to let that feeling of pain go. I don’t want to dwell, or give someone that kind of power over me, but as hard as I try to say it’s not worth it, my heart doesn’t get the message like my brain. I write this as a means to remind myself to send that hurt where it belongs, and not to let if fester and bring me down. There are people who basically suck, for lack of a more eloquent word, and their opinion should not gain a hold on me. Sometimes the other person needs to examine themselves, and see what they need to work on, because I truly feel, how you tear someone else down has more to do with how you see yourself. Just needed to share, and hopefully let this go 🙂
How do you let go of the past? How do you move beyond hurt feelings?
Fight Like Cats and Dogs
My father and I got to talking about how women fight with each other, and how men fight with each other, and he brought up some good points how different the sexes interact when fighting among themselves. He pointed out that women typically go for harsh words with one another, what I call the mean girl style of conflict resolution. You try to knock the other woman out with you vicious words, make them feel smaller than a gnat, and hope they get the message loud and clear – they are persona non grata! Men I suggest are likely get physical when an issue comes up, and then after that either they might get some beers or never speak again. And sometimes more than likely, men will just avoid the situation entirely, and just not speak to those they don’t want to. It is how the sexes do battle among themselves, and how different it seems to be when you think about it. I noticed this difference looking back to when I was in school, and how boys and girl resolved conflicts typically. When girls didn’t like another girl, they got their gang together, not to physically hurt the other girl usually, but to verbally assault her and make her feel like she was dirt, and make her “disappear.” Boys, I always felt ended up resorting to fisticuffs, and then things would be over and everybody resume your regularly scheduled day. That is to say there are always exceptions to this “rule” and these behaviors, but it interesting to note how the sexes handle these things.
What do you think is typical man vs. woman behavior in resolving conflicts among themselves?